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feelingyou_pain

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[Tuesday
March 25 2014
@ 1:57 pm
]
I kind of forgot about this. I'll be back

Life and stuff.. [Monday
July 8 2013
@ 5:00 am
]


I don't even know where to start. There were more fights with Jake. bad ones. Then last night I get a message that says..truce, and I almost started crying in the middle of this swank ass club. I also wonder half heartedly if I'll ever see him again.

 

I went to baily's chocolate bar last night for the first time for my friend ade's birthday. swank. Lol. It was fun, though.

 

I'm supposed to go to Wisconsin on Wed at 4am. I was only planning on going to my brother's house outside of Chicago..but my other brother threw a hissy fit, so I might have to go all the way to bfe to see him. So if I disappear into the abyss, that's what happened.

Life and stuff... [Saturday
May 25 2013
@ 1:40 pm
]

Just a quick ish update. I moved in with my friend Geneva because she owns a house and offered me $200 rent. The neighborhood is a bit sketch, but I don't mind.</p>

I went to the zoo with my creepy romantically involved friend. Nothing happened, but in a moment of drunkenness, I asked him if he would have stopped me if I had tried anything and he said something along the lines of...I don't Know...it's different in the moment." Which to me translates to....no, probably not.

In a moment of lonely desperation, I made an Okcupid account. You can send out public broadcasts to invite people places, and this guy I had briefly chatted with posted a broadcast, so I told him I'd stop by. I thought there would be people there and he wouldn't talk to me. (it was at a show he was playing) He did recognize me and did talk to me, but not to my friend, who had apparently also briefly spoken to  him. Ironically his named turned out to be Andy hyland, which I recognized be because he just happened to be the guy who took the pictures of Jake and his new whatever she is. I brought it up to him and he said he had to stop hanging with that crowd. It's a relief to know that I am not the crazy one in this situation/the only one who sees them for what they really are (a bunch of extremely fake people).

Also, ironically, I was at cbgb last night and another okcupid guy I had briefly spoken with messaged me and asked me if I had been there.

Life is crazy crazy.

Late night rambles from a sleep deprived lady [Tuesday
May 14 2013
@ 11:06 pm
]


First of all, creeper Euclid records guy and I "might" have plans tomorrow. I'm not banking on anything, because I've spent  the past six months being blown off by people who said they would do things and didn't follow through. He's blown me off once, he'll probably do it again. I'm not kidding myself into anything this time. I'm just proceeding with severe caution. If he doesn't show, I still have plenty to do around the house.

 

 

 

I did four loads of laundry today, and donated at least four bags of clothes. I also washed the dishes. Now I need to pack all the clothes and dishes, etc. I can't believe I'm moving in two days! I think this is the only apartment I'm actually going to miss. I've had some times in here. Good and bad. I've definitely grown up a lot over the past year.

 

 

 

Also, I'm going to Vegas in a week and Missouri mails out ids now? I lost my id, went to the dmv and they gave me a slip of paper. It has my picture on it and says valid, but I'm extremely nervous about trying to use it in a city based on drinking. Sigh.

 

Jake (what's new?) [Wednesday
May 8 2013
@ 12:22 am
]


Sometimes I think I'm completely over him. Over this situation. I'm not, though. I'll go out with my friends. Live my life. Enjoy it.  It's mostly good. Then there are the quiet times. Times when I lie in bed and remember. Sometimes I miss him. Miss sleeping with him. Miss being able to touch him at will. Other times I am angry. Angry at his actions. Angry at the words he used. Angry at Daniel. Angry at him for loving someone who isn't me. Angry at the situation.

 

 

 

These moments are fewer and fewer as time goes on, and I know progress is being made, but I'm also well aware that there will be a Jake shaped scar on my person for life.

 

 

 

I'm still talking to my creeper Euclid records friend. He admits to being attracted to me, but also that he's enjoying who he's with. A girl with more courage than me would do the smart thing and leave him alone. I don't know what it is about this guy, but I'm intrigued.

 

Dooooods [Wednesday
May 1 2013
@ 11:06 pm
]
Okay, so I decided to hit up a Troubadour Dali show for a few different reasons. The first is because I have wanted to go to Record Store Day for two years, and was always working. The second was because I needed to see Jake one more time before officially letting go of all of this, preferably without screaming at him.

I did not go to hit on dudes. I am a bit of a flirt and definitely aggressive when it comes to the opposite sex, so sometimes I forget that usually it's dudes that hit on chicks. Anyway, when a dude hit on me, I was a bit surprised, but the more I talked to him the more I liked him.

I was also drunk, and he asked me about THE DOWNFALL. I ended up telling him everything. I mean, EVERYTHING. Things that I have not posted here. Half way through, I found Daniel eavesdropping. At first I was shocked, but now I am glad, because I loved Daniel (as a friend, of course), and as soon as Jake and I started fighting, our friendship was over. Daniel never heard my side of any of this.

The point of this little spiel, though, is that after I sat there and told this guy a heart breaking (even he admitted this) story, he asked me out, and I straight out asked him if he had a girlfriend or a live in roommate (like Shenee), and he said no. We made plans and he cancelled saying that he had gotten the days confused, and then about twenty minutes later tells me that he is romantically involved with someone.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Late night rant to God/The Universe/Whoever [Tuesday
April 2 2013
@ 12:16 am
]
Dear God (The universe/whoever), I'm not exactly religious, and I don't see that as an issue. I'm not perfect, and neither is anyone else. I don't feel any great desire to be “saved”. I just want to live my life being the best person that I can be, and that entails a lot of mistakes, and usually strong lessons come with those.

I'm having a crazy year, in both good ways and bad, and we're ony four months in. So far, I've gotten three month long chronic sinusitis, been estranged from my own sister, and gotten a beautiful baby niece who holds the same name (Tierney) as the guy who smashed my heart into a million pieces. I try to view that as simple coincedence, but I just can't do it. There's some kind of meaning to that, even if it's only to ensure that I never forget.

I'm grateful for everything that I have. I want that to be clear, because people seem to think that because I am always going to do what I feel is right for me, no matter what, is the same thing as selfishness, and maybe to some people it is, but not to me. Certain fmily members (my sister, my own mother) seem to think that because I don't need them as feverently as I once did that I have forgotten where I came from. I have not, and I never will. Remembering where I came from only serves to remind me that even if I didn't attend college, and continued to live the way I am now, that I would still be doing perfectly alright compared to some people.

I suppose this letter is my equivelant of a prayer, because church and the bible, they're not for me, but the idea that there is some kind of all knowing, higher power, that can listen to me bitch and whine, I can deal with that.

Oh yeah, the purpose of this, I suppose, is to ask you to send me someone who matters, and I suppose that by this, I mean a guy, My husband. This sounds retarded, but I am sick of fighting these battles alone. My friends help, and perhaps you find me stronger than others, and that is why I have to deal with so much crap on my own, but I'm ready, or will be soon.

Thanks for listening...even I'm writing to thin air (and Em), I still feel better.

Slacking soo hard.. [Monday
March 18 2013
@ 11:26 pm
]
I'm slacking so hard right now. I need to be writing this paper, but I'm not going to. I haven't done any homework over break, whatsoever. Mostly because I caught this terrible sinus infection, and have been too miserable and self pitying to do anything but sit on my couch and watch American Horror Story. I have a few free hours tomorrow. I'll just have to be really focused, and I'll be able to catch up. I checked my midterm grades, and the two classes I was worried about are the two classes that I'm doing well in, and vice versa.

I did manage to go out one night to CBGB. They had super cheap (nasty) beer, and the crowd was awesome. The doors to the restroom at cbgb don't lock, so I took my friend Amanda in there with me to hold it closed. While I was washing my hands and what not, Amanda let go of the door handle, and SHE walked in. She didn't say anything to me, just gave me that half second look of pure shock. I'm sure my expression mirrored hers. Oh, and some creepy gay guy showed us his balls. Also, I took my first St. Louis cab ride. It was actually pretty cheap, so I think I'll use them again.

I feel like Jake moving out of town was God/The Universe telling me that he can't hurt me anymore, and to move on. I'm taking that to heart, and really trying to just forget, but that is going to take some time.

Lessons in letting go..part 2 [Monday
March 11 2013
@ 11:19 pm
]
This picture of Shenee showed up in my Facebook feed. Idk why, because I'm not even friends with her on there. Anyway, I got a little bit curious and nosy about what Jake is up to these days, so I snooped on his Facebook profile.

Apparently, he moved back to Belleville today. I'm both shocked and relieved because this made the decision that neither one of us could decidedly make. Things between he and I are done. For good. I would like to hope that the last contact that I ever had with Jake is me flipping out at him in Shop n' Save,and then a drunken dirty text, but it's looking more and more like that is going to happen.

I kind of wish.. [Monday
March 11 2013
@ 4:21 am
]


That I hadn't been such a Dick to Jake the other day. I was trying to be civil. Also, his number has been removed from my phone.

burlesque [Sunday
March 10 2013
@ 1:17 am
]

I went to a burlesque show tonight with Chris's older sister. She's only two years older than me, but i had never met her for some reason. She invited me because she lives in the city and apparently we're both in need of friends pretty badly for different reasons. </p>

Anyway, I had never been to a burlesque show, but it was awesome. Boobies, fire, dancing, great band. I'm Happy.

Last night I got schmasted and texted Jake. A picture. Haha. He didn't answer, which is for the best, of course. I shouldn't have done it, but I can't take it back now.

What the actual fuck? [Wednesday
March 6 2013
@ 10:55 pm
]


Jake came through my line today. In all fairness he didn't know it was my line at first, but I guess he was going to try to brave it out. Bad decision on his part. I'm way too pissed for that. I'm normally quite playful, and he kept trying to play with me, but I wouldn't even talk to him. We used to have this running joke where he'd ask if I wanted to see his ID, and I'd say, two forms.

 

Anyway this is pretty much how it went..

 

I'm sitting at my register this morning around nine and it's really slow, and I did notice Jake come in, but I just assumed he'd go to another register. The next thing I know he's got a case of stag sitting on the floor at the end of my register and is fucking  around with the soda case.

 

He Calls out(without looking up)..are you open?..I don't respond because I don't know what to say, and even if I did, I'm not sure I would be capable of forming words, and then he looks up and sees that it's me.

 

Jake(smiling): yeeaah, you're open.

 

Me (silence): check, check, check

 

Jake(referring to his eighteen pack of stag and who knows what else): I just had to come and get my breakfast.

 

Me: check, check

 

Jake: do you want to see my id?

 

Me (at this point I lose the tiny bit of dignity I have left, because that phrase, as stupid as it is, is meaningful, and that's not something I'm willing to give him): I don't have anything to say to you. At all. Ever. (probably not true, but it felt good at the time)

 

Jake: you're really fun this morning

 

Me: Yeah. So are you.

 

Jake: rolls eyes

 

Me: 18.29

 

Jake: hands me a folded up 20

 

Me(handing him his change): have a good day. As if he's any other customer.

 

Jake: Yeah, you too. They happen sometimes, you know? Good days..I think he was referencing me being a Bitch to him all the time, which I wouldn't be if he was capable of being a decent person

 

 


5 am thoughts and musings [Wednesday
March 6 2013
@ 5:46 am
]

I'm going out this weekend for the first time since the downfall. I'm going to start calling it that, bc it seems fitting.</p>

I'm hoping it's the first step to moving past this. Friday I'm going out with my friend Zerina to some dive bars on south grand, and on Saturday I'm going to the beggars carnivale. I've never been, soo I'm pretty excited.

On Saturday, David showed up at my house, wasted. He proceeded to ask me if we could have sex, and when I said no, he laid down on my couch.

I told him that he could sleep there or go home, but I was going to bed. When I woke up, I didn't even want to get up, bc I didn't know if he was still here or not. I definitely didn't feel like dealing with him, but of course, he still was.

I had to wash my uniform before work, so I just got up, ignored him, and started getting my Shit together. I had to walk through the living room to get to the basement, and when he saw me, he asked me again if we could have sex when I got back. At this point, I totally lost my Shit and told him that I was going to punch him if he asked me again.

I understand that he's heart broken, and acting out because of it, but so am I. I can barely function half the time. I have my own problems. I don't have the time or the energy to deal with his. I haven't talked to him since, and doubt that I'm going to.

Lessons in letting go.. [Tuesday
February 26 2013
@ 6:55 am
]


The part of me that used to love being left alone for hours or days at a time to read or watch obscure dvds is slowly dying. That part of me is disappearing because alone time means thinking time, and thinking time these days means tears, anger, or both.

 

 

 

 

 

I saw his new gf/whatever she is today, or I guess she saw me. That's more accurate. You can always tell when people who aren't supposed to recognize you, do. It's only happened to me twice, but both times it was the same. A look of pure shock followed by blatant curiosity and then feigned disinterest.

 

 

 

mini inconvenience.. [Monday
February 11 2013
@ 10:59 pm
]

It kills me that someone meant everything and then some to me, and I am nothing but (an angry) a minor irritant to them.

Disgusted.. [Sunday
February 10 2013
@ 1:39 am
]


it's been over a month and I'm still just disgusted. I've seen him twice at which point he either hid from me or pretended not to see me. One time both.

 

I got really stoned with mike and sent him a text apologizing. Pretty fucking stupid, because I'm not sorry and I should have lost his number a long time ago.

 

Today is the first day that I wished to actually never see him again. I'm so, so, soo fucking pissed at him for so many things, but at the end of the day, I love him. It would just be so much easier to get over if I didn't spend every day wondering if I'm going to see him.

 

I want to stop being angry. I want to stop being depressed. I just want to forget that the past six months ever happened.

This sucks.. [Sunday
February 3 2013
@ 11:38 pm
]

It kills me to see plans on Facebook between Jake and Jason and Daniel. Plans that would have effortlessly included me a month ago. The easy thing to do would be to simply unfriend Daniel, but that feels like a cop out. I'd rather see a little if what's happening than pretend this momentous thing didn't happen.

Words as weapons [Monday
January 28 2013
@ 11:31 pm
]

I used words that would destroy him, not because they're insulting or negative by themselves, but because I knew they would hurt him, and get under his skin. I was hurt and pissed, and I wanted him to feel what I was feeling, just a little. That being said, I'm not going to apologize for anything except texting Daniel, which was both immature and redundant. I was going for a reaction, and I got one. The texts between Jake and I, though, I refuse to apologize for. While harsh, I needed to express everything that I was feeling, and he needed to see that he was treating me badly. I'm going to include the texts in this entry, though I refuse to reread them, just in case I ever feel the need to come back and look at them. That being said, I did/do love him, but we definitely do not bring out the best in each other. I just keep thinking, he used to be just some guy I had a little crush on, how did it come to this? I keep trying to convince myself that I was perfectly ok before I met him, and I can be perfectly ok now. My self thinks I'm full of Shit, though.

I went back over there [Thursday
January 10 2013
@ 10:33 pm
]


...because I hate myself?

I'm thinking I'm going to give this too him. Against my better judgement, but whatev. [Thursday
November 29 2012
@ 7:46 pm
]
I remember the first time that I saw you. I remember the second time that I saw you. I remember how nervous I was the first time I talked you you. I remember when I finally got the courage to ask YOU out. I had never done that before. I remember the first time you kissed me. I finally dragged my friends to your show at some dive bar on Cherokee street. The show was going terrible, you said so yourself. I didn't care. I noticed you watching me, so I made a move.

I remember going to your house at six a.m. And I remember taking a nap in your bed. I remember how fucking good it felt just to be touching you, to be that close to you.

I remember having sex with you. It wasn't fantastically great, or fantastically terrible. There were awkward moments, and I hadn't shaved my legs and you hadn't showered. I didn't care. It just mattered that it was you and I. That made it so fucking special to me.

I have all these random memories of seeing you at the store, like the time I was in the middle of this God awful WIC transaction and I looked up and there you were at the very end of the line, waiting patiently. The way you smiled made my heart drop. I'm sure my facial expression mirrored yours.

I also remember the first time you said you'd call and you didn't. I remember the second time. I remember the third time. I remember expressing my feelings of confusion clearly, and getting an extremely immature response. I remember over reacting.

I remember going to your latest local show and being so fucking terrified. That you wouldn't talk to me or that you would. I wasn't sure which. You did talk to me. You were a perfect gentleman. I couldn't take that. Pretending that those texts didn't happen. So I apologized for my part in it, at least. You told me i'm abrasive. Ok, I deserve that. It's the only way I can get you to communicate, though. To piss you off.


At the end of the day, I love you. I loved you from the first kiss. Yeah, that's a little crazy, but I don't give a damn. Yes, I've acted irrationally towards you, and I'm sorry for that. It's just so frustrating not getting what I want. Yes, that's petulant, and yes I'm spoiled by a lot of people in a lot of ways, but all I wanted was for you to be there. I didn't think that was asking for too much. I don't know if you ever think about me. I can only hope that you do. I know that your life isn't ideal right now (whose is?), and that you're unhappy a lot. I don't know what you're looking for, but I sure as fuck hope you find it.

and now.... [Saturday
November 17 2012
@ 1:32 am
]


He's ignoring me. Why am I soo stuck on this Bastard.

I ... [Sunday
November 11 2012
@ 2:39 am
]

Had sex with Jake. Wtf is wrong with me.

Hipster douche [Tuesday
November 6 2012
@ 7:33 pm
]


I went to Jakes show and then to his house. Wtf is wrong with me? Why do I love this idiot?

Snapped.. [Monday
October 15 2012
@ 9:02 pm
]

Ok, so I snapped out of it enough to clean my apartment
Including floors/minus the bedroom. I'm quite proud of myself. Tomorrow I'm gonna clean my room and do the laundry, and then on wed, it's all homework. I might go to the zoo with Chris tomorrow, which will be a great distraction.

Dear self [Saturday
October 13 2012
@ 9:06 pm
]


You are a little depressed right now, and that is perfectly ok. However, giving up on your workouts and diet aren't helping  On the contrary, they are making you a feel worse. Also, suck it up and clean your apartment. It's chaotic state is only helping your chaotic thoughts. Shave those legs.

 

Do all this. It will take two hours at the most, and you will feel better.

 

After that you are allowed to watch TV in pjs all day if you need to.

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